Fish lady

So I've run into quite a writers block when it comes to reviews but I've found its very easy for me to come up with ridiculously insane stories that, quite frankly, are stupid. So I've decided every night I'd pick one person from my friend list and ramble off a story that I make up on the spot. The only catch is the person I'm talking to can't have any idea who I am.

Kameron

ok

you wanna hear a story?

11:29pmAmber

ha um

11:29pmKameron

ok

11:29pmAmber

is it good story?

11:29pmKameron

so if there's anything in the world i love, it's midgets

so today i'm walking around in wal mart and i spot one

IN THE WILD for that matter

so i reach out to touch it and heres a tid bit of information for future reference

Midgets are masters at Kung FU

11:30pmAmber

hahah gotcha

11:30pmKameron

so it whips around and karate chops me in the groin

im screaming in pain

when suddenly a huge hairy man (?) comes from nowhere and starts to rub the midgets head

and in case you didnt know

midgets, like crocodiles, fall asleep when you rub them

so as its falling asleep Thor comes soaring in from the cereal aisle and bashes the ground with his hammer summoning an army of refried beans.

they immediately surround me and all i can think is "Ishoulda stayed home and baked make and cheese like i planned

i can see anything at this point because the refried beans have begun to circle me fast enough to send me back in time.

and here i am

11:34pmAmber

kameron.

hahah

when was the last time we talked?

11:35pmAmber

anyways. youre creative. im going to bed though.

c: night

11:35pmKameron

night fish lady

Opposite day.

Back in grade school, there was a clever device used to get whatever you wanted from other children: Opposite day. On more than one occasion, little Suzy would request that I play hopscotch with her. I despise hopscotch with all of my being. Why would anyone hop from point A to point B on one foot when they could walk there? Needless to say, I would deny Suzy feeble attempts to get me to hop like an idiot and would say, "No Suzy, you smell like a fish market." Suzy would often times snap back with, "Well its opposite day so you really DO wanna play with me AND I smell pretty." Back in the day this stupid technique worked loads of times. However, nowadays I realize that this remark is the stupidest thing ever fathomed.
It's opposite day? Really? I didn't know that you were the grand Poopa of opposite day. And funny you should say that it's opposite day today because it's actually Thursday. Last weeks opposite day was Tuesday. If its not going to be one day every year at least make it the same day every week. Also, I couldn't help but notice that you said at least a hundred things today. Did it just become opposite day when you declared it as such? Because that would mean that everything you said up to this point is the opposite of whats true including the completely absurd statement "It's opposite day." That's not very fair. But now that you mention it, today is actually "Give Kameron candy day!" Isn't that great? That I can just declare what day it is? Because I mean, you just decided that today is opposite day. Right? I should hit you with a shovel.
As I sit here, I begin to imagine hilarious scenarios in everyday life where someone can declare it opposite day. "Hey mom, can you make me a sandwich?" "Well son, I'm not sure if you've heard that today is opposite day... so here's a banana." "This is not what I asked for and I don't appreciate your snide behavior, goodbye forever.
"Sir, your results came back negative. You're completely healthy." "That's great news! I love life!" "Oh...I'm so sorry, I thought you knew... Today is opposite day. You have terminal cancer."
As you can see, opposite day can potentially be the worst day of the year. Not to mention the fact that there are potentially 30 opposite days a year depending on how determined Suzy ( Queen of Opposite Day) is feeling. And p.s. Suzy just because you said that its opposite doesn't change the fact that you smell....terrible.

Man I love cats. I'm also a compulsive liar. I HATE cats. Seriously. How can anyone appreciate something that sleeps all day and constantly cleans itself with its tongue? Ok, I know what you're thinkin. "I love grandpa!" Thats not what i was referring to and you know it. All jokes aside, cats are dumb. Everything about them is really awful. The smell, the attitude, the fact that they have sandpaper tongues. Everything. If I were a super villain, I would spend a LOT of time putting cats into trees just to piss superheroes off. Think about it. While granny's gettin mugged in an alley, Suzy is bitchin about her cat in a tree, demanding that some banana hamoc sporting hero shake the bitch out. Whats that you say? "Kitties are adorable?" I should slam your empty head into a box of kitty litter so hard you"ll WISH you were choking on a tootsie roll.

Story time uglies. So i'm sitting outside my voice teachers house waiting for a lesson when suddenly this little ugly, scraggly fat cat walks right up to me. I pet the darn thing because i imagine my teacher wouldn't be happy if she found her cat with a broken neck. It starts making this heinous noise with its throat that sounded like a screwdriver scraping against a chalkboard, rears back and without warning scratches the ever-lovin daylights outta me. I jump back, startled, and bump into my teacher who exclaims, "That damn cat is back again? I think its got rabies or somthin. Get the Hell out of here! I don't have anymore rotten meat today!" Needless to say, the concept scared me....deeply and i had to live the rest of the week in fear that at any moment id foam at the mouth and die. Cats: 1 Kameron:0

I digress. My brother and his super duper roommates at LSU introduced me to a new, interesting concept.

No need to double take...

No my friends, you're not hallucinating. That is a cat...in a wig. And I love it. There are a few things that id like to point out. Can you imagine how difficult it is to put a wig on a demon? Multiply that by ten and there ya have it. I applaud the brave S.O.B. who did this circus act. Also, imagine coming home from work everyday to this. Even if you had the worst day of your life, it couldn't have been any worse than being a cat with a wig super-glued to your head. Think about it. Mating season comes around and this poor kitty is up a creek without a furball. Oh well. I'm not complaining. One less litter of aggravation I need to worry about. Cats:1 Kameron:1 I'm bound to win this war you wigged bastards. Just you wait.

This weeks review: Halloween

Wanna know what I love? Candy. Wanna know what else? Free things. Let me just tell you, that for the past 17 years I have gone out on Halloween, hoarded candy like a squirrel, scared small children (unintentionally), watched Thriller on T.V. and had an all around fantastic time. The past years have been a little different. For you see, the logic section of my brain decided to kick into overdrive.

Have you ever watched a child in a McDonalds? They will eat every fry off the ground given the chance. Did you think that just because you told me not to eat unwrapped candy that I'll listen? I dont care if its a freakin gumball with a skull and cross-bones on it, it looks (and tastes) damn good. Here's another thing. If you put a gigantic bowl full of candy with a tiny note-card that says "take one" on your front doorstep in hopes that you can sit inside and watch Halloweentown again without answering the door, you are oh so very wrong. I take all of the candy AND the bowl every single time. Free candy. Free bowl. You're dumb. Why would I pass up an opportunity like that. This year I WILL bust through your window and throw eggs AT you for thinking that 10 year olds dress like Peter Pan would "take one." I imagine this scenario's hilarity will only be amplified by the fact that I'll be dressed like the Easter Bunny.

Which brings me to my next point. Costumes are yummy. This is easily one of my favorite things about Halloween. One year I was a clown. Oh I'm sorry. Did you say thats not scary?

Dear...jeebus...

You're right. It's not scary. It's TERRIFYING. Ive also been the Easter Bunny. And before you judge the decision, imagine your a 12 year old child dressed like superman. All of a sudden the Easter Bunny lands directly in front of you from out of nowhere, and spits green liquid all over you. VIOLA! I just ruined easter for you for the rest of your life.

How could I forget the candy? When I go trick or treating, I intend to go to every single house in the neighborhood. I can not express to you enough how much I hate bitter old hags who turn the lights out in their house to prevent kids from knocking. I got news for you Maw-maw Kettlel. I'm gonna ring that doorbell till you get out of bed and FIND me some damn candy. I don't care if its a single chocolate covered raisin. I hope you know I've been to jail. I will shank you. All I want is enough free candy to dilate my pupils to the size of baseball. Is that so much to ask?

So let me conclude by saying that i'll be at LSU wreaking havoc on the campus as the bunny from Hell again. I'm pumped because I can only imagine the possibilities. Also, if I find a bag of pretzels in my goodie bag.....You're dead.

So i'm at my beautiful friend Rachel's house, and we're watching videos of dancing lemons on youtube(Don't judge me). Suddenly, she whips her head around and exclaims that she has something cool to show me. She types something into the youtube search bar and shows me this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIr8-f2OWhs . Seriously, i loved it.

She's super duper

So this made me wonder. Where did the music go? Sure you can call me weird for liking Stevie Wonder. Don't care. At least i don't have the logical reasoning capabilities of a box of rocks. Wait. Whats that you say? Jay Z is a musical genius? I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you over you being a total drone of society. Seriously, the next person I hear say that is gonna get a smack to the mouth so hard they'll wonder what they had for breakfast because all they can taste is blood. Too graphic? Too bad.

I digress, let me explain to you why this music is good. First of all, its literally two people. However, both of them play like 5 instruments. Can Jay Z do that? Auto-tune doesn't count as an instrument. Neither does "booty smackin". Because obviously its all the man can do. Anywho, they're also awesome because this is the first remix I've EVER heard that doesn't have the same old drum beat or a synthesizer as the primary instrument. No i have not heard the remix to "Poker Face," but i can almost guarantee you it sounds like a cat on fire. Why cant a record company go a month without remixing every song in the world? I don't think anyone has done it to the Ave Maria yet but I imagine it would sound just like everything else. This brings me to my last reason. It builds upon the music, not ruins it. Seriously, I would listen to this song over the original any day. Its still danceable, just different.

I'd better stop saying how this video is better than Beyonce's or Kanye will punch through my computer screen, demand a chicken dinner, and furiously beat the crap out of me when I don't give it to him. In conclusion, this tiny undiscovered group is awesome and they should be making money so help them out and maybe they'll be famous and i can hear them on the radio in between "Party in the Usa," and "Love Game". *sigh*

Samsung Eternity Review.

Let me explain something to you. A cell phone is very, very important to me. I text a lot. I make a lot of calls. You can only imagine how critical of a cellphone I can be. So last Christmas i got this Samsung Eternity. You've probably seen it. The revolutionary, touch screen, I-Phone killer. Surely this huge leap in cellular design will wow its users, right? Wrong. Oh so wrong. I'll pick this bitch apart piece by piece.

First of all the appearance. Oh wow, shiny. What a pretty touch screen! I hope you like crap, because this "shiny" touch screen will remain unscratched for almost 30 minutes. After having the phone for 9 months the screen looks like it was thrown into a blender, or rubbed up against a sandpaper sheet for ten straight hours.

Moving right along, the texting. For the love of God, can anything be this bad. Look, it was a nice try. When the phone is held upright its a regular cellphone keyboard, but when turned sideways it becomes a computer style QWERTY keyboard. Well have I mentioned that the keys are literally 2 cms by 2 cms and they're right up against each other. If I just continued to type a rational thought without stopping to correct mistakes it would look like this: "Het wiou;d yop likrt to graf sope Taco Bel;?" I know what you're thinking. Well, Kameron, just use T9! Listen here you smartass. I'll use T9 when AT&T hires someone whose not Asian or four years old to arrange the in phone dictionary. Here's a short list of words T9 made up: Yoi, An't, Ommorrow, and of course esterday.

Last but not least the extras. There's literally one game on this bad boy, and i hope you like dice. Because thats it. Just a pair of dice that roll. No rules. No score. Just dice.

Welp that just about wraps it up. If you hate texting, logic, and the English language, but you love dice, this phone is for you. Otherwise, get something else. Congratulations Eternity, you suck.

Zest Review

Today, I discovered this bottle of Zest Ocean Energy Shower Gel. Now, I've tried many a shower gel, but all of them leave my body smelling like a cranberry flavored dumpster mere hours after using it. Axe is the best shower gel you say? I should punch you in the mouth. That stuff is like bottled frustration. Sure it smells great in the bottle, but how does that matter. Made with cactus extract? What the hell is that? And why is it in my shower gel? If I wanted to lather cactus all over my body... Actually i would never want that. Axe, you suck. Zest on the other hand, well let me give you a play by play. I opened up the bottle and take a whiff. Dear sweet baby jeebus. Is there crack in this bottle? I don't believe I've smelled something quite this unbelievable before. So great, what else is new? A good smelling shower gel. Big deal. Well, I use the stuff and now its been a whole day. After working in Chuck E. Cheese, washing a house, cutting potato leaves, and being generally active all day long, I still smell like a bed of roses. No joke. If you don't go buy a bottle of this stuff asap, you're dumb. So, in conclusion, Zest, Congratulations. You rock.