This weeks review: Halloween

Wanna know what I love? Candy. Wanna know what else? Free things. Let me just tell you, that for the past 17 years I have gone out on Halloween, hoarded candy like a squirrel, scared small children (unintentionally), watched Thriller on T.V. and had an all around fantastic time. The past years have been a little different. For you see, the logic section of my brain decided to kick into overdrive.

Have you ever watched a child in a McDonalds? They will eat every fry off the ground given the chance. Did you think that just because you told me not to eat unwrapped candy that I'll listen? I dont care if its a freakin gumball with a skull and cross-bones on it, it looks (and tastes) damn good. Here's another thing. If you put a gigantic bowl full of candy with a tiny note-card that says "take one" on your front doorstep in hopes that you can sit inside and watch Halloweentown again without answering the door, you are oh so very wrong. I take all of the candy AND the bowl every single time. Free candy. Free bowl. You're dumb. Why would I pass up an opportunity like that. This year I WILL bust through your window and throw eggs AT you for thinking that 10 year olds dress like Peter Pan would "take one." I imagine this scenario's hilarity will only be amplified by the fact that I'll be dressed like the Easter Bunny.

Which brings me to my next point. Costumes are yummy. This is easily one of my favorite things about Halloween. One year I was a clown. Oh I'm sorry. Did you say thats not scary?

Dear...jeebus...

You're right. It's not scary. It's TERRIFYING. Ive also been the Easter Bunny. And before you judge the decision, imagine your a 12 year old child dressed like superman. All of a sudden the Easter Bunny lands directly in front of you from out of nowhere, and spits green liquid all over you. VIOLA! I just ruined easter for you for the rest of your life.

How could I forget the candy? When I go trick or treating, I intend to go to every single house in the neighborhood. I can not express to you enough how much I hate bitter old hags who turn the lights out in their house to prevent kids from knocking. I got news for you Maw-maw Kettlel. I'm gonna ring that doorbell till you get out of bed and FIND me some damn candy. I don't care if its a single chocolate covered raisin. I hope you know I've been to jail. I will shank you. All I want is enough free candy to dilate my pupils to the size of baseball. Is that so much to ask?

So let me conclude by saying that i'll be at LSU wreaking havoc on the campus as the bunny from Hell again. I'm pumped because I can only imagine the possibilities. Also, if I find a bag of pretzels in my goodie bag.....You're dead.